I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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