I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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