I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
