So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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