I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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