The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
