I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
