Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
