never play flip cup with pint glasses
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
