You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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