i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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