I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
i need some magic done to my vagina
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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