Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Randomize
