Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
false alarm, still single
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
