sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
is that a dick in a sweater?
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I need a hoe opinion
go on
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