I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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