I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
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