I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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