Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
