make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
