the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize