you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
