ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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