Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
