no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I love having hate sex.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
