you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
