I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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