can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
