I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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