dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
People with herpes should wear stickers.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
