YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Randomize
