My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Randomize
