i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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