I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
