I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
