My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
