it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
