It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Randomize
