We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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