Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
