God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize