is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
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