My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Randomize
