My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Randomize
