I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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