I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Randomize
