So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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