My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
