So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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