She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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