I'm gonna have a badass scar
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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