I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
