Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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