i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
whose parrot is this?
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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